DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist or related professional in any way. Please exercise all caution and consult a true professional when confronted with a situation where you are uncertain as to how to proceed in attempting to help a person at a time of personal crisis or loss.
CRISIS DEFINED: This advice is directed towards how we can best interact with people who have suffered trauma or loss. It could loss of a loved one, friend, family member, co-worker or pet. It could be a damaged or destroyed relationship, such as divorce or estrangement. It could be a traumatic or catastrophic injury or illness.
Introduction: I first drafted this article after a relative suffered a severe personal loss. Many family and friends wanted to help my relative and let them know that they were there for them. The situation motivated me to do some research on how to help people who are in emotional duress, grief and/or depression. These techniques can also apply to situations where there is severe or unexpected illness or accidents.
Based on the article, I summarized the key points below, and then I added input from my own extensive experience in this area. Later, I added comments made by others who had suffered loss and had some helpful insights on the subject. Here we go!
People are not comforted by mere concern, but by what exactly you say and do. Often, well-meaning friends and family inadvertently say and/or do the wrong things, causing the person who is suffering to feel misunderstood, unheard and even judged. Congratulations - you have just made your loved one feel even worse. Plan what you are going to say and do in advance.
Here are the "DO NOTS"
- Do not minimize the problem (example: "but you have so much to be thankful for...or live for", "at least you don't have some-other-horrible-fill-in-the-blank-disease", "there are people worse off than you", "I went through this (or a friend/relative went through this) and it was not that bad or no big deal or I got through it").
- Do not offer platitudes (example: "time heals all wounds", "things will get better", "it's always darkest before the dawn").
- Do not offer advice (example: "you'll feel better if you exercise", "you need a hobby", "you need to get out", etc.). Its not that the advise is good or bad (though it's usually bad), its just that you simply don't know enough about the person, their situation or their state of mind to offer advise that is likely to improve things for them.
- Do not claim to know how the person feels, even if you think you do. Though you may have been through the same situation previously, what they are going through is almost certainly different from how you went through it. This is because they are a different person than you. Also, it could be a different experience for them simply because you each went through it at a different stage in your life.
Let's say you are in my situation, where my relative's daughter died in a car crash: saying that you had another relative or friend die the same way will not make my relative feel any better, and is likely to make them feel even worse. Often, I like to say "I can't imagine how you must feel". It's short, to the point, and it's true.
- Do not ask about the depths of their grief or even "how are you feeling?". How do you think they're feeling? "Really Bad" is the most likely answer, so why ask? Instead, you might be able to ask them "how are you doing?" (though I can't really see much difference in these 2 questions myself; however, my wife Sue just read this article, and said there is a big difference between the 2 - so go with "how are you doing?"). The author of the article "Talk Less, Listen More" thinks the "how are you doing" question is a good one too. Another option is to simply state "it is good to hear your voice" or "it is good to see you" and leave it at that.
- Do not wait for your friend or relative to reach out to you - instead, make contact with them. I try to make initial contact with them in the least direct manner possible, like a text or an email. I don't know if they are totally consumed by dealing with the tragedy or not, but an early phone call might be too intrusive, but if they answer your text or email, then 'you're in". If they don't respond back in a day or 2, then I make a direct call. A relative of mine agreed about "not waiting to reach out to them". She writes: a terrific friend of ours kept offering help and pretty much stepped in and insisted in helping, bringing dinner, coming over for a visit. Anything to help us feel like there was some normalcy during his failing health, and beyond. [More on this below].
It's a fine line we walk between being overly obtrusive in trying to help and being too passive. I think you need to judge how likely the person who is suffering will reach out to you, based on their personality. If you think they would hesitate to ask for help (like me), then lean towards being more direct. Most of us are used to being the ones that reach out and help, not the ones that need help. If they are the type that would not hesitate to ask for assistance, then just letting them know that "you are there to help with anything" is enough. A mistake many folks make is to indicate that they are there to help, but give tiny eensy-weensy hints that it would a real inconvenience for them, or that they can only help if the logistics are convenient for them, without consideration for you. In other words, don't say it if you don't mean it.
What You SHOULD Do (including Anecdotal Examples)
- Listen to what they have to say. As long as they are talking, SHUT UP! If they stop talking, let there be a moment of silent reflection, as perhaps they will continue talking after the pause. Keep quiet for at least 10 seconds after they stop talking - this pause will often cue them to continue sharing with you - that is your objective. Those suffering want to be heard, respected, and gently loved.
- Things to say that do work: "I am sorry that you are in so much pain", "I may not have any answers, but I want you to know that I am here for you as long as it takes".
- Anecdotal example: One depressed person reports that they "want to be treated normally, and not like a time bomb about to go off". I question this one - unless you are CERTAIN that they are not a time bomb...what about Robin Williams? Was he treated normally, and then went off like a "Time Bomb"? In the Williams case, many question the lack of supervision by his wife and others who were living in the same house as Robin when he took his own life. Personally, I err on the side of being more intrusive to prevent tragedies such as the Robin Williams suicide, which took place in his own home, with his own family present.
- Another anecdotal example: Other depressed people reported a "need to know that you will stick by their side through this difficult episode". However, I believe that you need to understand their personal history with this situation, and that they will eventually emerge from the crushing depression or sorrow; often, they want you to stick physically by their side, though not necessarily saying anything.
- Another anecdotal example: someone had a husband who died of lung cancer. The surviving spouse said the suggestion that "you don't have to make it through all at once - just this day, this hour, this minute" was helpful.
- Another anecdotal example: A person whose wife died found comfort in writing in the form of text messages, because the surviving spouse could read the text but did not feel the obligation to have a voice conversation. The same person said that the best words he heard were: "If there is anything I can do, just let me know, and I mean anything". Again, don't say this unless you actually mean it.
- Be gently hopeful, without claiming that everything will be better. Think of yourself as a gentle distraction.
Additions from Tim
Okay, all of the above is condensed from the "Talk Less, Listen More" article, with a few bits from me thrown in. Now I'll add in some of my own experience, which I hope will also be helpful:
- Read their mood and adjust to "their level". This is a technique I learned in sales training. With this method, you adjust your psychological level to match theirs. If a customer looks sad, then you start out the conversation being similarly sad. You slowly build up from sad to mildly optimistic, then to optimistic. If a customer is already upbeat, then you match their "upbeat-ness" (if you didn't, you might bring them down, or bum them out). Swap "customer" with "depressed friend or family member" and you have the same approach. Match their demeanor, then slowly build it up from depressed to modestly hopeful, then to hopeful.
- I'm lost on this one. I often say "if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know". This NEVER works for me - they NEVER ask for my help. Maybe its just me - I don't know. I think a better approach MIGHT be: "what can I do to help - there must be something - please consider telling me now". Most people I know are used to helping others, and are very uncomfortable with asking for any sort of help for themselves. That's certainly the way that I am. Maybe the "there must be something I can do" approach would work better than the "is there anything I can do approach?" - who knows. I certainly don't.
- Don't wait - just go out and do something for them. My cousin Judie helped me in this area - here is her input. Not long ago, she was grieving for the loss of her husband due to a prolonged illness: offers to help them WENT COMPLETELY UNHEARD by my cousin. Sometimes you just need to think about the person and their needs and go out and do something for them. Most people won't ask for help, and will be too stressed out to even hear your offers. Call them and ask if you can run errands for them, go to the grocery store or even wash their car. Send them to a day spa for some relaxation. If they have young kids offer to babysit or pick them up from school. Don't take no for an answer. [Thanks Judie for this wisdom!].
Additions from Another Friend who has Experienced Tragedy
Starts Slowly, then Ramp It Up, if you get the right vibe. In tragedy, every person's reaction is unique to them. Some people CANNOT talk about the incident / person - EVER. Others want to talk, because it makes it seem like the loved one they lost is still there. So start slowly speaking about the tragedy - in little bits. If they respond in a positive way, then ramp it up a bit. If that receives continuing positive response, ask specifically if they want to talk about their personal tragedy. By then, they are likely to give you a truthful answer, which is all that you are looking for in the first place: what can you do to help.
Nothing helps: However, it is also possible that the person believes that nothing will help - therefore, they have no suggestions to you about how you can help. However, being on sound mentally footing yourself, you know that the goal is to eventually be able to help the person, so you cannot give up, no matter how hopeless it seems to them. Though you CANNOT say it to them, often time does remove some of the pain.
Different Strokes (applies to losing a loved one): Some people want erasure of the tragedy from their memory. Some people want shrines and/or foundations to a person they lost. Some people change their mind over time and will want something one time, and another thing the next. Sometimes, even though time passes, there is never any healing, or the pain gets even worse (if that is even possible).
Often, people bring food to the grieving family. Many can’t eat it - in this particular example, because they were all sick to their stomachs from the tragedy. But they knew that their friends and family meant well. They felt even worse because they could not eat the thoughtful, tasty food. Perhaps bringing a small amount of food that could be placed directly into their freezer and re-heated and eaten another day, should they choose that route. Again, you might try to bring a little bit of food, and then try to find out if it was well received or not. Ramp it up if you are CERTAIN that the food is welcomed.
Conclusion: Thanks for listening, and if you have a loved one in grief, I hope this helps. Don't be afraid to jump in, but be careful not to make it worse! Good luck and G*d Bless. It's not simple or easy, but love does not give up - ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment